Lexia | Hoffman - How I Make it Work

Hoffman - How I Make it Work

Serena Laurence, 46 co-founded the UK branch of the Hoffman InstItute with her husband, Tim, in 1995. It offers the Hoffman PRocess, a psychotherapy treatment that began in California in the 1960's. Laurence was also an actress, appearing in TV series and films such as Golden Eye under her maiden name Serena Gordon. She and her husband live in Arundel, West Sussex, with their sons, Ben 14, and Alfie 12.

Do work and home life combine well for you?

I have to practice what I preach, so I have quite a health work/life balance. At the Hoffman, we encourage the discipline to be able to switch off from work. Everyone needs to take time out – to be wit their kids, their friends, or to take a walk: it helps nurture a sense of wellbeing. Maybe it's because we're having children later, so we're not prepare to give up our carers, but most women I know seem to work and have children. In fact, some friends and I have a mentoring group of entrepreneurial women whose children are at school and who are looking for their skills. It's inspiring.

Has your work influenced your attitude to life?

I did the Hoffman Process in 1995 in Canada and I still implement it. I learnt how to say now, and how to hear my intuition and my instinct. It's about cutting out the chatter and others' judgements, connecting with your gut instinct or your feminine intuition and acting from that.

What's your weekday schedule like?

I have no curtains in the bedroom, so I wake up about 6am; I like the house when it's quiet, and I make tea and do emails. I worked in the Hoffman Institute office in Arundel for more than a decade, but now I work at home, as it helps me to think beyond the day-to-day. My sons are weekly boarders at a near by school, so on Wednesday afternoons, I seem them play sport. They started as day boys, then began boarding when the youngest was about 10, because they chose to do it. It's a tiny, progressive school with loads of after-school activities. In school holidays, I often come to an arrangement with friends to share the childcare. When the boys were small, I used to take them on acting jobs. We also had au pairs. I try to clock off by 7pm. I often for a swim at the end of the day at an outdoor pool near me.

What helps keep you sane?

I life and working in the country, where I can see the sky and sea, and where I can be in nature. We moved here 10 years ago from London. When I do to see the boys play football, rugby or cricket (in my raincoat and Celt boots, if necessary), shouting encouragement and pacing up and down. It's a great way of releasing pressure that has been building up. I love having boys. A certain type of mother is given boys: women with strong shins who can stand in the cold.

Do you have any help at home?

I get the boys to help out when they've been here. They're quite self-sufficient around me; we've taught them to have independence. And I have a cleaner.

Do you travel much?

I do a lot of trips with my friend Imogen Stubbs, who was at drama schools with me: I take the photographs and she writes the articles. It's a bit of a Laurel and Hardy double act. If I'm away, my husband is at home with the boys and vice versa. We still go on family holidays now and again: usually to southern Spain, where we stay with friends.

Are your friends important?

I have a close circle of friends. I usually see them about twice a week. Research from UCLA showed how seeing female friends regularly can help combat health threatening stress.

Are you good at handling stress?

Finding out what depletes your energy and feeds it is important. Conflict makes me weary; one thing I've learnt is to recognise where my stuff ends and where someone else's begins. It's important to switch off sometimes; I went away for four days recently and left my iphone at home.

How do you stay healthy?

The only person I allow to shout at me is the trainer at my gym. I see him twice a see and I loath it; I do treadmill, weights and PowerPlate (which makes you sound like a Dalek), but I'm at the age when I have to look after my body.

What has been your most challenging time?

When I was 34 my father died while I was pregnant with Alfie. I had a very close relationship with my father and he ran my life for a long time, or was very involved in it, so I had to grow up when he died. We tend to emulate or react against our primary carers, and it's important to grow up, move on and be yourself.

Johanna Payton on why women should safeguard their emotional health

A healthy mind may mean a healthy body, but safeguarding our emotional health can still come low down on our list of priorities. Johanna Payton investigates

Talking therapies are undoubtedly fashionable, but the way we value emotional health may not have changed as much as we think. In a stressful society, achieving a work life balance is tougher than ever, and pressures on women to have careers, families, relationships and an indispensible support network, can mount up. Although we may be more willing to seek help, 46% of women who took park in the ICM survey said they wouldn't talk about having counseling openly, suggesting that mental health problems, and seeking support for them, is still not viewed in the same way as physical issues. 'Mental health problems still have a significant stigma attached,' says Cat O'Neill, services manager of Anxiety UK. 'People worry that others will think they are incompetent or can't cope. They are scared of showing weakness, particularly in the highly competitive workplace.' O'Neill stresses that women's emotional health is as important today as it ever has been. 'Recent reports show that anxiety disorders have increased by 13% in the past 15 years,' she says. 'Common issues that cause this are divorce, bereavement, work-related stress, financial insecurity, scare stories in the media, managing the work-life balance and choosing a career or family. We've also noticed an increased number of women calling with regard to debt, or worrying about missed mortgage payments.' Jim Phillips at the Expert Patients Programme Community Interest Company, says that women often struggle with mental health issues because they are so busy looking out for everyone else. 'Women clearly value and worry about their mental and emotional wellbeing, and give it thought, but put their own needs second to those of family, and others around them. A common theme we hear is that women have no time for themselves, or space to talk about what affects them. Many do fear that if they talk about their feelings they will be judged or deemed a bad parent.' Eliza Meredith is a teacher at the Hoffman Institute and has her own psychotherapy practice. She says that increasing numbers of women do view their emotional self as something that needs to be nurtured. 'We recognise that emotional health is fundamental to our physical and mental wellbeing. Many illnesses have been scientifically connected to unresolved emotional needs, so we ignore them at our peril. 'There's an expectation on women today to be considerable breadwinners, sexually desirable and creative mummies, but being at peace with who we are makes a challenging world an easier place to live in. Having self compassion allows us to be kind to ourselves and those we connect with in our lives.' Although she encourages women to take care of their emotional health, Cat O'Neill does sound a note of caution: 'Everybody experiences ups and downs from time to time and people shouldn't become too preoccupied that there is something wrong with them. Many people with anxiety think they are losing their mind or losing control, which isn't the case.' The perfect antidote Women are bombarded with images of perfection, and yet the ICM survey revealed that 58% of respondents are neither happy or unhappy with the way they look. Is ambivalence a healthy reaction to the pressures of the wider world, or something we need to worry about? 'Women hear messages about the importance of being attractive throughout their lives,' says Carla Miller, life coach and founder of spacetobe.co.uk. 'It starts with fairy tales and is continued through TV shows, films and magazines. It's impossible to live up to and trying to reach this ideal can be a threat to your mental and physical wellbeing.' Miller says that while feeling ambivalent about self image is preferable to obsessing over perfection, a mediocre self-image can have a big effect on our emotional health.

'Our self worth affects how we approach life and the results we get,' she explains. Hazel Davis, 33, agrees that image-related low self-esteem had a significant impact on her emotional health. 'I was bullied at school due to my appearance,' she recalls. 'I was thick-set and called 'no neck', as well as being teased over my clothes. I'd suffered terribly from low self esteem in my teens, but when I went to university I met people who helped me realise I wasn't hideous. My mental state altered radically once I started considering the possibility that I might actually be attractive.' 'Many of us waste hours of our lives focusing on our flaws when we could have been out enjoying life instead,' says Miller. 'Acceptance of ourselves, flaws and all, is the key to enjoying life and having healthier relationships. If you focus on your good points, you're often a more positive person, attracting the right people and opportunities into your life.'

Accepting with Grace

Why do we find it so hard to take? Anna Moore looks at how to overcome out discomfort at being in others' debt

'The world is made up of givers and takers, and the takers lose every time,' says Ellen Langer, psychology professer at Harvard 'When you give – a gift, compliment, an offer of help – you can feel generous, competent, connected, empowered, in control.'

Studies monitoring the brain activity of volunteers as the received cash rewards on a computer game, and gave them away, found that donating their winnings produced higher levels of feel-good hormones dopamine and oxytocin. Jordan Graftman, who led the studies, concluded 'it definitetly seems like you're going to get more pleasure, if these brain activations can be any guide, when you're receiving than when you're simply receiving'.

Implicit Agreement

At the other end of the spectrum, in the receiving position, some of us may feel needy, incompetent, weakened, exposed. Vulnerable.

 

'You may fear showing need, and feel wary of accepting something on someone else's terms,' says Langer, author of Counter Clockwise (Hodder and Stoughton). 'Are you relinquishing control and accepting some king of quid pro-quo? What are you committing to?'

When you accept an invitation to dinner with your neighbours, you are implicity agreeing to reciprocate. Does this make you anxious or guarded? When a friend offers to babysit while you and your partner have a much needed night out, you are placing yourself in her debt, which may make you feel resentful. If a parent helps you meet the mortgage on a bad month, you take on the role of grateful rescued child, which many people find uncomfortable.

Mixed in with disagreeable feelings of debt and duty is, for some of us, a deep seated felling of unworthiness, says Tim Laurence, director the Hoffman Institutes and author of You Can Change Your Life (Mobius).

Learn to receive

'It can be down to deficiency of love,' he says. 'If, during your childhood, affection, attention and praise were thin on the ground, if you didn't receive enough love, then you don't learn to receive well.

'When someone compliments you, it may be so far from the image you carry of yourself that your immediate response is, 'Why would they say that to me?' If someone buys you a present, you may think, 'I don't deserve it.'

Yet learning to receive with grace is important – even fundamental. 'Essentially, we're here to learn about the giving and receiving of love,' says Laurence. 'We do this in hundreds of ways, including the giving and receiving of support, appreciation, affection, compliments, gifts. Just as we take in breath with no conscious effort, then breathe out again, we should learn to receive and give back with no explanation needed.'

For Langer, it's about connecting. 'When someone mindfully gives you a gift, or an offer of support, you'll feel seen, cared for and known for who you are,' she says.

Holding back

To those who feel uncomfortable receiving, Laurence recommends identifying the reason. ('What would I be committing to?' 'I don't see myself like that.') If you dread the exchange of gifts at Christmas, examine why. Were past Christmases a disappointment? Perhaps gifts never reflected who you were?

When reluctant to accept an offer or invitation, Langer suggests asking yourself, 'What is the worst that can happen if I do accept?' Are you worried you haven't given enough? Does it bother you that you aren't willing to give as much? If you fear you'll be unable to reciprocate, find a sensitive way to explain this.

If you are happier as one of life's givers, reframe your thoughts. Giving and getting are part of one circuit. 'Receiving with grace isn't about taking.' Says Langer. 'You should see it as offering someone else the joy of giving.'

(This was an article which featured in Style Magazine of the Sunday Times about Hoffman co-founder Serena, and placed by Lexia)